your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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