She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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