I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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