Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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