i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
