my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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