I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
