the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
