How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
