You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
