The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
