Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize