Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
