It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
