WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
