It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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