Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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