$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
