if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
