cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
