I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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