He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
