Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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