I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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