Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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