You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize