i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
