So drunk its hurt
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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