It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
