Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize