i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
