The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
