i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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