dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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