mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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