Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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