She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
