So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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