I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
