I can't watch pbs sober anymore
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
