just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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