What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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