I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize