That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize