we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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