Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize