she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
