Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
