I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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