I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize