I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
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