Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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