then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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