I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
