Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
